Well, it’s not all afternoon teas and cakes! I’m so excited and thrilled to be pregnant, so thought I would write a blog post about my journey so far.
Wow! Motherhood. It seem it is the most terrifying journey I think I have ever been on so far- more scary than when I used to go for auditions in front of ogre directors that would rip you to shreds if they felt like it! More scary than venturing anywhere or trying something new because I am now responsible for another life for the rest of my life (cue thinking ‘But I can’t even look after myself!’)
But above all, I am super excited and happy to be venturing into the unknown. I am so happy to try and be the best I can be at something so wonderful and give all the love I can.
It has undeniably been a rollercoaster few months, I’ve had such a rocky pregnancy I was scared to even write, post or say anything at all- I have been in and out of hospital, getting sick, bronchitis and having placenta previa with a whole host of other abnormal things along the way- not that glamorous eh?!
Also you have to deal with the sickness. Literally smokers made my stomach turn. And their bloody everywhere in London! I would cross the road as smokers would make me be sick if I smelt it- hello zig zagging! But then another would pop round the corner. Your sense of smell is so strong that even a whiff of BO on the tube can send you into gag mode.
I have now stopped being sick and am in nesting/planning/organising mode! I am addicted to all things vintage so I’ve turned into a mentalist for Silvercross, 1950’s and well, anything darling! Yes, I am that woman googling vintage prams at 1am in the morning!
I will be excited to do some posts of what to wear when pregnant- it is a hard job if you love vintage and being feminine like me. Of course there are those maternity jeans and leggings (yuk) so I’ve been getting creative with what to wear. At first I tried to make my normal clothes last as long as possible- stretchy dresses or blouses over capri pants (but with the zip down, as I couldn’t do them up 😉 But now I have hunted in fabulous places for maternity wear- including Seraphine, Bombshell HQ, bargain sales and of course Marks and Spencers (the one stop go-to shop).
Am I scared? Absolutely. I am not going to deny I have had crippling anxiety at times, worrying about the smallest things and feeling totally overwhelmed by the bigger stuff. I started having anxiety attacks at how I was going to manage, waking up in the night and worrying and although this is something I suffered from in younger years it came back in full force and felt totally uncontrollable. Luckily I instantly got help in every way I could. A doula to help with day to day organising nearer the time, a few sessions with a Therapist who is very spiritual too and lots of yoga/meditation are all helping more and more.
I also felt better doing the smallest thing- not beating myself up and trying to ‘stop’ the anxiety that kept coming my way. When your pregnant you are totally hormonal anyway- I saw a picture of a dog one day and literally started crying as I thought it looked quite sad! But, if there’s nothing I can do about it, why bother getting upset?
I realised it’s o.k to be scared and vulnerable, it’s o.k not to know how it’s supposed to go, it’s o.k for life to suddenly turn on it’s heel- including motherhood. I am no expert and sometimes things aren’t perfect and that’s o.k. Sometimes life just happens and instead of worrying, try to turn these thoughts into a positive and move into a more better way of life. And that’s what I’ve been doing- slowly but surely!
Although I feel I am still learning and walking in unknown territory, I am on the whole loving being pregnant. It is such an exciting time and it has made me change my view on the whole world and how it works. I feel much more humble and joyful at this new existence I will be living. I now feel I can truly be myself, work towards positive new goals and for that I am grateful.
But apart from all this serious stuff, having a baby is super fun!
All the questions you have- ‘what will they look like?’ ‘where will we go together?’ ‘what will they become when they grow up?’ are all so exciting to think about, but currently I am trying to enjoy the moment and go with the flow.
I haven’t been able to have my normal pace of life which involves weekly dinners, attending events, writing, dance, shoots, a little champagne and generally rushing around being a busy bee! Even when I write that I realise how frivolous that sounds! But when your living in London, it’s the norm to cram in as much work and fun stuff as possible. I’ve still been doing some of them but everything has slowed down and well, I feel good, content, happy- well, I feel just really right.
I am sure I am not the only one to worry about how to do it all and for that we just have to blindly feel along the way- especially those like me who never planned it (and I don’t mind admitting that) but when it’s been thrown their way are seeing what a blessing it is.
How wonderful that we think we are going down one path, and then we are told we are going a different way! I think for me that was poignant in the last year- going to America after fighting so hard at getting a permanent visa and swiftly realising it was not for me, with a lot of crazy stuff happening along the way (but that’s another post for another time 😉
Ladies, your not supposed to know it all, just enjoy the delightful experience of a little person growing inside you. The most magical, exciting and awe-inspiring thing in the world. And as they say, ‘You’ve got this!’